Confusion

Sometimes I just feel so dreadfully confused. It seems that others tend to get upset or angry with me, although most of the time I'm unsure as to why. Just now my sister stormed out of the room, but I haven't the faintest idea as to why she's upset with me. Perhaps I'm taking things personally when there is no need to? But it happened after I started talking to her....

The worst part about others being upset when you don't know why is that most of the time they're too upset to explain why. Or at least they think that you should know the reason they're upset. It's really frustrating because I don't understand what others want from me, and I feel like I can't even live up to their expectations. It's like unless things are spelled out to me step by step, in a straightforward manner, than I have no idea what's going on. It's hard to communicate this though. I wish everyone just understood this. But they don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in the way I feel.

Speaking of which, I had a discussion with my brother today about being autistic. A few weeks ago my dad (who doesn't know I'm autistic) mentioned that they're trying to make a cure for autism. This immediately offended me, although at the time I wasn't sure why. But I think the thing is, no matter how many difficulties and obstacles I come across as someone who is on the spectrum, I still like being autistic. It's who I am. Without this, the things that make up my personality just wouldn't... be there. More than a cure, I think what the world really needs is more understanding about what autism is, to make things easier for those of us who sometimes find it difficult to communicate what we need. Obviously not every autistic person shares the view that they don't want a cure, but this is just the way I feel.

Sensory Issues

Now that I know I'm autistic, I actually have reasons for sensory issues I've had my whole life. I feel overwhelmed when exposed to loud music, too many people talking at once, people talking to loud or too quickly, bright lights, and flashing lights. I also know why I sometimes I can't eat certain foods because the texture or taste seems off, and that it's not just because I'm a "picky eater." The only problem with this is that my family (aside from my sister) doesn't know I'm autistic. So when I ask my mom for certain foods, she gets mad when I don't eat what's in the house. And it's not that I "don't want to" or whatever, it's more that I can't? And sometimes foods that I usually enjoy are inedible because the flavor or texture overwhelms me in that moment.

Another problem I have with food is that sometimes it makes me feel sick. It's only certain foods, but I'm not sure if this is related to autism, or something else. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach though, it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I hope this doesn't persist, because food is important (obviously).

Sometimes I'll eat something I usually enjoy and it tastes absolutely disgusting and I have to spit it out. Does this happen to others? What sorts of sensory issues do you have, particularly concerning taste and texture?

I know a lot of autistic people have problems with touching things, such as certain cloths or what have you. I don't generally have this sort of experience, but I do hate the feeling of tissues and dry towels. They make my teeth feel weird.

Lately I can't seem to eat anything without getting a stomach ache or just hating the taste and feel of the food in my mouth. I can only eat chocolate, coffee, crackers, and milk generally. I can eat some other things, but eating them too long grosses me out, and I always get a stomach ache afterwards. I don't know what to do about this to be honest.

Stimming

Do other autistic people ever stim more when they're happy than when they're upset or stressed? For me, I tend to rock or bounce when I'm excited or in high spirits, and even hum or sing a lot. I don't really stim when I'm anxious or upset though, except maybe finger tapping or rubbing clothing with satisfying textures. I also tend to unconsciously chew on things with nice textures, and pick at my skin.

I think that my main stim is singing though, because I'll sing or make constant noise at times. It's mostly when I'm happy, but it can happen when I'm stressed and trying to calm down from an anxiety attack. It probably appears happy to others though.

A lot of the time when I'm reading about how others stim, I won't really identify with it. I don't do flapping, or pacing, or anything like the """usual""" stimming, but I guess every autistic person has their own way of stimming. It is always nice when I see others talking about their stimming, and it's just like mine. It makes me feel less alone and unusual :)

What kinds of stimming do any of you guys do? I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say.

Aside from stimming and other such things, today I made a big step: registering to vote! Well, I filled out the form anyway and I just need to mail it in. Being an adult is confusing! I had to ask my parents for help. But it's all fixed now I just need a stamp so I can send it. The only problem then is who to vote for.......

Communication and Misunderstandings

Hey! Kinda annoyed at myself right now. Or maybe not exactly at myself? But just in general. It just seems like sometimes I can't understand others and what they're trying to say, and it makes me feel stupid when I can't understand them, or give the correct response. Before I knew I was autistic, I just thought this was some "weird" thing about me, but now at least I know why this happens. That doesn't change the fact that it does happen. Most of the time I don't end up answering others when I can't understand what they're communicating, which I know is a bad way to go about things but I don't know how/have the courage to ask them directly what they mean specifically.

Speaking of specifics, at least now I know that I have an easier time with details and direct instructions. I mean, obviously I've always been this way. But I never really realized it. I think that's the thing about finding out I'm autistic, is that I can look back on certain situations with a new perspective, and understand things better than I did back them. Honestly, I feel like my life is much more put together now that I know I'm an aspie. It's pretty great.

I still have a lot of things to work on though. I've been reading this book called "Living Independently on the Autism Spectrum" by Lynne Soraya, and it's helped so much. It's all about being an adult on the autism spectrum, and how to handle growing up and becoming more independent. It has a lot of great tips about communication, relationships, getting a job, moving out, and so many other great things. The best part is most of the advice doesn't require me to tell others that I'm autistic, but I can still work through difficult situations that are influenced by my autism. Anyway, I highly recommend it.

I hope I can keep figuring things out..... maybe someday I'll know what to do when I don't understand another person, besides just ignoring them. I hope you all have a nice evening!

Greetings

Hello there everyone! Or well, I guess I don't really have any followers yet but that's okay. It's still nice to have a place I can go to talk about things relating to autism and my experiences as someone on the spectrum. If you do end up reading this, I guess I can give you an overview of the sorts of things I hope to post about.

I want to keep this as a sort of account of my daily life figuring out what being autistic really is, and how to deal with it. I'm very newly diagnosed, so I still have a lot to think through and discover about myself. I do know that so far I have a very strong sense of relief, since already I am learning so many things about myself that I never really knew. So many things have been made clear, and I've become a lot happier since self-diagnosing as autistic. Obviously I know there are many limitations and obstacles in being autistic, but at least now I know the reasons for certain things I just thought were "quirks" about myself.

Anyway, I hope to be able to use this blog as regularly as I can. It's mostly for my own venting but if you wish to read it, that's fine with me!

I hope you all have a nice day/night and keep smiling! :)